A Pedant's Progress • John Wallace

I’m convinced that within each of us there lurks a pedant, ready to spring forth at the first opportunity to humble some poor soul whose knowledge or ability in some field is less than our own.

My personal pedantic affliction has always been in the area of written and spoken English, where I rarely pass up a chance to correct the grammar, spelling, pronunciation or syntax of someone’s written or spoken words. Sometimes confrontational, sometimes low-key and constructive, I've been guilty of both approaches.

In a military hierarchy, particularly at the officer level where communication skills are constantly under scrutiny, a document that works its way from originator to releaser may pass through many levels, as each reviewer reads, modifies, and accepts responsibility for the contents and sends it to the next echelon. This process tends to bring out the pedant in the best of us.

A person who ostentatiously takes on the role of the pedant leaves himself vulnerable to that time when he commits his own inevitable errors (glass-house-and-stones syndrome). If I may illustrate:

A number of years ago as a member of a large naval staff in London, I had several officers working under me whose job required that they draft messages, letters, memoranda, etc. which received wide dissemination, and which (we were reminded not infrequently) reflected on the competency and professionalism of "The Admiral" himself. One of my subordinates (call him "XXX") was what we now call "verbally challenged.”

XXX was a Lieutenant Commander (O-4) and the master of malaprops, mixed metaphors and any number of ways to mangle the English language. He once brought me a leave request which had as the reason for leave, "Whales." A less pedantic boss would have changed it to "Wales," and let it go; but I scribbled "Let us know if you see any."

One day, XXX had to counsel his secretary for her poor performance and I was interested in how well she took the criticism. "Well," XXX told me, "After I got through chewing her out, she walked out with ruffled feathers between her legs." I have to admit, in that mixed metaphor he eloquently captured the image of an angry person who had just been chastised. I did manage to keep a straight face until he left my office.

Returning to the central point of my story -- One day a particularly difficult message had to be drafted advising Commander Sixth Fleet that his request for additional temporary personnel to man his shipboard communications center was denied. One does not say "no" to a Four-Star Admiral, especially a Fleet Commander, without great care. There are ways to say "no" and there are ways to say "no", and it fell to me to write this Friday night, high priority message.

After a number drafts, I finally put together the following weasel-worded message: "REGRET LIMITED PERSONNEL RESOURCES DO NOT AUGER WELL FOR ADDITIONAL MANNING AT THIS TIME." -- much more acceptable than a flat "no".

Rather pleased with myself for this diplomatic word-smithing, I was not surprised the following Monday to see a copy of the transmitted message in my in-box, with red writing all over it (red pens were exclusively for notes from the Deputy CINC, green notes were reserved for the "Big Guy" himself).

As I prepared to savor the accolades in the Admiral’s note, XXX stuck his head in. "Read the Admiral’s note yet?"

"Not yet," I said, wondering what XXX’s interest was.

As he left, I read these never-to-be-forgotten words: "If you’re going to use esoteric words, learn how to spell them. A God d*mn auger is a drill."

Was that the sound of glass breaking?

Lessons learned: 1) If you tend to be pedantic, be careful -- for eventually you will surely err, and publicly; and 2) "If you’re going to use esoteric words, learn how to spell them" or, as XXX might say, "You’ll wind up with egg on your foot."

(I found this -- I think -- on my Pacific Beach Facebook page. I have no idea how it got there, nor do I know John Wallace. I think this is one of the best things I've ever read, but perhaps it just hits home, having been raised in a military family and immersing myself in the written word -- JF)